Good Samaritan Baptist Church Pastor Ed Rice

TO: The Editor May 25, 2002

Please print my letter. It is a little longer than you like but appropriate, pointed and timely.

Pretend for a moment that shoplifting was a victimless crime. That the only thing that ever made shoplifting a crime was the moral right and wrong decried in the Bible. Suddenly our children began saying they sort of enjoy shoplifting. As they came out of the closet with their feelings and said they could not help their enjoyment of shoplifting they began calling themselves the uplifters, and those living the uplifted lifestyle. Statistically it was proven that 3 in 10 actually had this enjoyment of uplifting, but it had been suppressed in our society because of that old fashioned Bible. They were confused in adolescence about what might be right and wrong but they had these strong suppressed urges to be shoplifters. They knew it was wrong; that it didn't seem to fit societies norm; so they banned together into support groups and demanded that the uplifted lifestyle not be deemed wrong; that they were born that way, even that God made them that way. The leading psychologists got together and sure enough, everyone had a little shoplifting excitement within them, and the only thing that kept it suppressed is that 2000 year old Bible.

Some priests and clergy joined in to say God accepts everyone, even those of the uplifted lifestyle. Besides Jesus never said anything about shoplifting, only the apostle Paul had said something like "let those who stole, steal no more, rather let them labor that they may have to give to the poor." Even then we are not sure of the punctuation and the leading Greek scholars think he meant "Let those who stole steal; no more let them labor or be poor." It is only their interpretation of this fable filled book, you see, that makes those fundamentalists call shoplifting sin. Besides, Jesus loves everyone and he never called shoplifting a sin. Of coarse in that archaic Old Testament, they stoned shoplifters as thieves, but we have evolved so much further than that in our society. We evolved passed slavery and we can evolve past those hateful bigots who think shoplifting is a sin against their God. It's just that those backward Bible believers don't even believe in our evolution. They think God created man! What uneducated fools.

Ted Coppel might even host a town meeting to demonstrate that those living the uplifted lifestyle do not choose that for themselves but they are born that way, and they can't help their enjoyment and lifestyle of shoplifting. A few religious zealots who believe the Bible call it a sin, but the majority of even the religious leaders don't know anymore, because uplifters are all around them, and some of them are real nice people. Several people say I love Jesus and Jesus loves me and I am a shoplifter, this proves that the Bible is wrong, and that these Baptist Bigots are once again misinterpreting their Bible. If Queen Mary were here she would rid our lives of these hateful Bible Believers who dare call us sinners just because we enjoy shoplifting. There ought to be a law protecting us from the likes of these bigots.

The moral right even accused the support groups of recruiting their children away from God's law and into their groups. The leading educators were appalled that parents accused them of this recruitment. All they were trying to do is get children to discover themselves and see if they might be ones that enjoy shoplifting. They told the kids that their parents were backward, and old fashioned and trying to use a mythical Bible that speaks of a mythical God and a mythical creation which doesn't even fit the schools 'scientifically proven' theory of evolution. Parents do this to suppress their children's natural desires to be shoplifters. Recruiting! How dare they accuse us of it. Those liars! Those hateful bigots. Accusing us of recruitment. Such an accusation would even leave Ted Coppel speechless.

So, the majority rules. Separation of Church and state, which was meant to keep the Queen or Pope from burning Baptists and other fringe Bible believing groups at the stake, now causes us evolved Americans to cast out the moral rules of the Bible. The Bible has been a banned book in our public schools now for three generations, just like Queen Mary and the Roman Pope made it a banned book in the 1500s. Archaic book of fables.

This majority, carefully polled, and persuaded, now pass laws that say we must hire all shoplifters as morally normal individuals, even calling them a supressed minority which must have preferential treatment in hiring and in government contracts. We will have to write in a religious exemption clause because of those fundamental Bible believers who escaped England and came to this country and got a few lines into our 'secular' constitution. In our new law you can no longer discriminate against those who shoplift, but you can discriminate against those intolerant bigots who try to say that shoplifting is a sin against God. You can also discriminate against the Shopping Scouts of America. They refused to hire shoplifters as scout leaders just because the say it is morally wrong and that merchandise would keep disappearing when they go on overnight shopping trips. The gaul of those hateful bigoted Bible based groups to call shoplifting sin and those shopping scouts who would accuse us of uplifting their merchandise. We are just doing what comes natural to us, we were born that way. We need to get those hateful bigots out of the way of our evolving society. And they call themselves Christian.

The Bible says "There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death." If a man believes the Bible, and is called of God to preach God's way as the only right way on earth and the only right way to heaven, he must preach it to every creature no matter what label they tag him with, no matter what Ted Coppel or Queen Mary says, and no matter what law the majority passes to shut him up. God help us in this country. We are not evolving, we are devolving, actually devil-olving. Sodomy is sin. Adultery is sin. Fornication is sin. Abortion is sin. Stealing is sin. Always has been, always will be. God said so. God don't change. His Bible dosen't either. If we don't change His message, His message can change us, any one of us.